Always remain parents: how divorce affects children and how best to get through this period

For a child, the divorce of parents is a process no less painful than for the spouses. And when no one talks to the child about changes in the family, they may also feel guilty and abandoned.

In the new episode of the “Be Voiced Podcast”, hosts Olena Rozvadovska and Azad Safarov talk about how parents can take care of their child’s interests and preserve the family for them even after a divorce.

The podcast guest is writer and journalist Olena Pshenychna, who has experienced divorce twice and in both roles: as a child of separated parents and as a young mother ending her relationship with her husband.

Olena Lisova, psychologist of the Voices of Children Foundation, candidate of psychological sciences, also gave her advice in this episode. Below are her tips.

Official data says that the number of divorces has been increasing in the last two years.

In the first six months of 2024, 15.5 thousand divorces were registered, which is 1.5 times more than last year and 18% more than in the first half of 2021. Experts predict that by the end of the third year of full-scale war, this statistic will be even higher.

The increase in the number of divorces after 2022 is due to several factors:

1. Stress and uncertainty. The constant stress caused by the war increases the level of conflict in families. Many couples do not survive the ordeal of evacuation, separation, or loss of home.
   

2. Emigration and separation. Many families find themselves in different countries, which creates emotional distance and complicates relationships.
   

3. Separation due to a spouse's service in the military. Men at the front or in the defense sector often cannot be there, and women take on the entire burden of caring for the family, which causes fatigue and stress. In addition, women deal closely with the psychological changes that occur with their military husbands. They are not ready for these changes — it is almost impossible to be ready for them — and often cannot cope with this tension. Psychologists who work with the military say that in the third year of a full-scale war, problems in close relationships come to the fore for defenders.
   

4. Reassessment of values. War makes you reconsider your life priorities. Sometimes this leads to the realization that relationships do not bring happiness: when else, if not now?
   

Despite the increasing number of divorces, many people find the strength to support each other. In such circumstances, it is important to work with psychologists to find ways to maintain relationships or end them with respect for each family member.

Parental divorce is a difficult process for all family members. It is impossible to go through it without traumatizing the child.

However, if the relationship itself was traumatic and full of violence, the child will perceive the divorce with relief.

Even under the most favorable circumstances, the child will experience the parents’ divorce as the destruction of their familiar world.

Especially since the breakup of the family is NOT a consequence of the child's own choice.

The child must come to terms with the parental decision. According to various researchers, about 90% of children experienced short-term shock, pain, and unconscious fear upon learning about the divorce of their parents. About half of the children feel rejected.

Therefore, the first factor that will mitigate the consequences of divorce is to minimize this trauma and support the child as much as possible, paying attention to his or her needs, especially in terms of safety.

Divorce should not cancel parenthood: unless one of the parents threatens the child and resorts to violence.

The second factor is to prevent triangulation — the manipulative involvement of the child as a third party in the parents' relationship to resolve the conflict or avoid tension.

The third factor is not to blame the partner and to allow the child to maintain contact with both parents if it is safe for him/her.

It is important to explain the situation to the child clearly, honestly, and in a way that is appropriate for their age.

You cannot hide the truth about the divorce even from a preschool child (3-6 years old). Even if the child doesn't yet understand the reasons, he or she feels the changes in the family atmosphere, the adults' moods, and their attitude towards each other.

The explanation should be simple for such a young child, but it will most likely have to be repeated many times: “Mom and Dad will no longer live together, but we both love you very much.”

Parents should avoid complex details in the explanation but emphasize the constant importance of the child for both of them.

A child of primary school age (6–10 years old), as a rule, seeks to understand the real reasons for the divorce and may blame themselves due to natural egocentrism.

Therefore, even if children of this age do not voice such assumptions out loud, it is important to say: “It is NOT because of you. This is our adult choice, but we will always be your parents.”

The child should also be reassured that he or she has the right to love both parents.

Adolescents (11–18 years old)) are able to understand the complexity of the situation quite well.

Their range of emotions will be wide: they may feel anxiety, sadness, anger, betrayal, disappointment, guilt, relief, and sometimes all of these emotions at once.

Therefore, after explaining something like: “We could not continue to live together, but we will always be there if you need support,” it is important to give the teenager space for emotions and the opportunity to discuss them.

Informing a child of any age about a divorce is only necessary when it has already taken place or the parents have made an unconditional decision.

Parents should never threaten divorce in conversations in the presence of children. It is better when both parents tell the child about it.

Before this conversation, the couple should sort things out in private and only then talk to the child without unnecessary emotions.

It is worth focusing on changing the lifestyle. At the same time, the child should know that everything is thought out and there is a plan of action: this will remove the fear of uncertainty.

The child may react sharply (tears, anger). Some children need to be soothed or be distracted, while others prefer to be left alone, with parents being nearby.

1. Loss of a sense of security. The child sees instability and does not understand who they can rely on. This can cause anxiety and fear of the future.
   

2. Decreased self-esteem. If a child feels like the cause of conflicts or sees that his or her needs are ignored, this damages their self-confidence. The child may feel unnecessary, redundant, and abandoned. Depression may be a more distant, more complex consequence.
   

3. Formation of negative relationship patterns. The child may grow up with the idea that conflicts and tensions are normal in relationships.
   

4. Problems with emotional regulation. In an atmosphere of constant stress, a child may become more aggressive, withdrawn, or prone to self-blame.
   

The long-term consequences of divorce may be associated with:

• progressive development of feelings of inferiority, neurotic and phobic syndromes;
  

• unwillingness (inability, disbelief in the possibility) to create a family, and therefore unstable romantic relationships;
  

• short-term relationships with loved ones, so that deeper attachment does not arise, and therefore, stronger emotions during a possible breakup;
  

• conflict relationships at work, as soon as a situation arises, similar to emotional rejection during a divorce.
  

After a divorce, a child should feel like they are an important part of the family, even if the parents live separately.

Agree on how the child will spend time with each parent.

I don’t know what the right recipe is: one week the child lives with mom, the next with dad, or something else.

The main thing here is stability. This is facilitated by a familiar place to sleep, the location of the rooms, things, daily routine, attending the same educational institution, etc. This is easier to do when the child lives with one parent all the time and sees the other regularly. And there is always the opportunity to cover each other’s backs if someone is on a business trip, tired, sick, or has other things to do.

Each family chooses a format that is convenient for them. The opinion of the child should also be considered. However, there are cases when the child chooses to live with a less demanding parent, for example: “I want to live with dad because he doesn’t make me do my homework” or “I want to live with mom because she lets me go out late”, etc.

Therefore, it is important to set common requirements for the child, keep promises, and stay in touch in a literal and figurative sense.

If it is not possible to meet regularly, it is important to contact regularly by phone or video call.

Both parents should be involved in the child’s life: participate in school events and celebrations, have regular family traditions (for example, celebrating birthdays). This can help the child maintain a sense of unity, even if the parents live separately.

Do not hurry with introducing your child to a new partner.

It makes sense to do this only if you are convinced that this is a serious relationship and that it has the prospect of creating a family or living together.

If you are sure, you need to prepare your child for the acquaintance and give them some time to get used to this idea.

First, explain: “I am seeing someone I like, and I would like to introduce you.” The meeting should be short and casual, without any obligation to mutual sympathy.

Secondly, it is important to respect the child's feelings, even if you don't like them. He or she may feel jealous or afraid of losing the attention of the father/mother and even hinder the new relationship, sometimes in harsh ways (manipulation, threats, etc.).

Here some parents may get scared and refuse to build their happiness. In this way, they shift the responsibility for their happiness onto the children: "My child forbade me to see people.”

If up to this point, you have done everything ethically with regard to the child, taking care of his or her needs, then there should be no serious problems.

Everything can always be discussed and resolved, it just may take more time.

Tell your child: “You will always have an important place in my life, even if I have a new partner.”

If there are children in the new family, help them find common activities without forcing them to get close quickly.

At the same time, it is important to set boundaries and discuss rules that will be clear and the same for everyone, including children.

In the beginning, relationships between stepbrothers/sisters are often marked by jealousy.

Therefore, you need to help children get to know each other: spend time together, learn about interests, and try to help with something.

You can’t force events here, you need maximum patience and attention to the emotions of each family member.

Parents need to look not only at the behavior of their own daughter or son, but also at the other child, and control themselves in showing emotions.

If you take good care of one child and neglect the other, conflict between stepbrothers and sisters will definitely arise.