Almost Adults: How to Support Teenagers During War

Author:

Olena Lisova

In the new episode of the Be Voiced podcast, hosts Azad Safarov and Olena Rozvadovska discuss how to support teenagers in growing up and learning about the world in difficult war conditions. Yuliy Morozov, public figure, founder of the Kryvyi Rih cultural and social center "Shelter+", shares his experience. He has been supporting teenagers for many years, particularly those who find themselves in difficult life situations, and "Shelter+" has been working in the city for over 20 years. Also, Olena Lisova, a psychologist from the "Voices of Children" foundation, candidate of psychological sciences gave her advice. She answered questions that can often arise in adults – parents of teenagers, guardians, or loved ones.

It is natural for adolescents to question authority figures, to seek and develop their own principles and life strategy. For parents, this is also a difficult time, when they can no longer protect their child from negative experiences, disappointments, and mistakes. How can one remain in good relations with their child in all this, not to overdo it with guardianship, but at the same time to give them the feeling that they have an adult who will always support them?

In my opinion, it is very important for parents to accept the fact that they are not the only important people in the life of their children. It is not easy to cope with your “parental egoism”: you want to feel needed and recognized. It is necessary to recognize the importance of the teenager’s emotions, their abilities, experience, the possibility of having their own secrets, different thinking, values, ways of reacting. This also includes recognizing the right to make mistakes and accepting that it is normal to learn from your mistakes. Closely related to this recognition is the acceptance of parents' own limitations and the recognition of these limitations to their children.

We can't (and shouldn't!) sugarcoat it for a teenager at every step; we can be wrong, we can't do everything, we can't always be strong: "I don't always know how to act correctly, but I'm always on your side." This gives the child the understanding that they are accepted and supported. By recognizing our limits, we as parents do NOT lose authority in the eyes of children, but on the contrary, we accept their authority. However, being afraid to recognize these limits, we lose contact with children, because we lose our authenticity, trying to be someone we are not.

For me, as a mother and a professional, the balance between support and respect for the teenager’s autonomy is based on deep trust in my child: I trust their abilities to understand their needs and feelings, to cope, to decide, to implement, to build and to manifest. In my opinion, without such trust, a healthy relationship with a child of any age is impossible in general. It is important to clearly indicate this trust: “I believe in you!”, and at the same time: “If difficulties arise, I am always ready/willing to help.”

Also important for good communication with a teenager are:

active listening (giving the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings without judgment; not interrupting; not rushing to give advice unless directly asked for);
maintaining stability (in times of stress or uncertainty, teenagers need predictability and emotional stability from their parents);
spending time together (taking walks together, discussing movies or books, playing board, active or even computer games, etc.).

What to do if an adult still feels that this contact is being lost? Quarrels start, there is a feeling that the child is hiding something.

Once again, one should start with themselves, with reflection. Ask yourself the question: “Do I listen to the child? Do I support them when they share something important? Do I give them enough space to express themselves? Do I acknowledge them and trust them?”.

In times of war, the need for security is felt especially acutely. And in adolescent-parent relationship, this is also important. Instead of accusations or interrogations, it is better to say: “I feel that something has changed between us, and it is important for me to know how you are now”; “I am sorry that we often argue. I want to understand you better. Can we talk?”. It is important to avoid criticism and pressure to restore trust.

Such situations increase parental anxiety. To cope with it, one can resort to increased control, but this will often be a bad strategy in this case. Instead of strict monitoring, it is better to ask unobtrusively from time to time: “What do you think about this? How can I help?”. It is very important not to offer your unsolicited help to a teenager.

Notice the little things. Teens often give signals about their feelings through small details: clothing style, music, behavior. Pay attention to it and ask about it, showing care.

Set boundaries with love. Make it clear that rules are important, but they are there to support, not punish.

Parents often fear that their child will be exposed to bad influences as they grow up. Where is this more prevalent: on the streets or online? What personal issues make children more vulnerab

In today's world, the risks of bad influence exist both in real life and online. In my opinion, a teenager can fall under bad influence depending on where they spend more time and what they have access to in a vulnerable state, when they are experiencing difficult situations and emotions. Modern teenagers spend a lot of time on the Internet, and it is almost impossible to refuse it. Therefore, perhaps, a slightly greater danger can be expected from there, because it is not always possible to clearly recognize it. Even experienced adults cannot always cope with this: we or our friends often fall into fraudulent schemes or become witnesses to how it spreads.

The Internet provides a space for manipulation and concealment of true intentions, which is used by dangerous groups or individuals. That is, through the Internet, attackers have access to a very large number of people while remaining anonymous.

Propaganda, disinformation, and content that glorifies violence or self-harm are especially dangerous for emotionally unstable adolescents. Due to their age, adolescents are vulnerable to information, which reduces their resistance to strong, emotionally charged influences. In addition, adolescents do not always perceive information critically, especially if it is provided by sources that are authoritative for them.

Personal issues that make a teenager vulnerable to negative influences include:

low self-esteem;
lack of support in the family;
feelings of isolation or loneliness;
a desire for acceptance and belonging.

To minimize risks, parents should teach their child to think critically, take an interest in their online interests, and discuss risks without intimidation. The main thing is to remain a source of support for them.

Parents feel that their teenager lacks leisure time and communities for socialization. How to talk to them about this, where to start looking, and how to find out what they need?

Finding leisure and social communities for a teenager is a complex but important process. It begins with understanding the child's interests and making a delicate offer.

Ask about their interests: “What are you interested in? What would you like to try?” If the child does not know, try suggesting options: creative activities, sports, volunteer projects. Here again, it is important for parents to understand whether this is truly the teenager’s interest or whether they are fulfilling their own unfulfilled needs through their child.

Therefore, it is better to search together, rather than coming to the teenager with a ready-made solution.

Support the child's initiative, if any: "It's great that you found this. If you want, I can go with you to the first class or event."

It is important to be patient in such matters. A teenager may not find their way right away. It is important to give freedom of choice and support in trying. A child may try many different activities, and this is normal. The main task is to let them try what they want to try. Adolescence is the best age to do this.

Gently encourage socialization. Teens may find it difficult to expand their social networks or make new ones. So, you may need to discuss the importance of trying new activities, even if they are anxious or afraid.

In their attempts to be authoritative and supportive, adults often fail to show their own vulnerability to teenagers. When might this be appropriate? On the one hand, you shouldn't shift your

Yes, there is indeed a very delicate balance here, which requires empathy and self-understanding from adults, as well as the two basic things discussed above – recognition and trust.

In my opinion, as a mother and a professional, showing vulnerability is appropriate when it is sincere and aimed at building trust. At some point, you can talk about your own experience of difficulties: “I felt the same way once and I understand how difficult it is.” It helps in cases like this.

Creating an emotional connection. The teenager will see that their feelings are normal, and they are not alone.
Teaching emotional regulation through the experience of parents in overcoming difficulties with an emphasis on positive conclusions. It is important to be honest here so that it does not seem that adults have always been superheroes, and the teenager is supposedly a loser in comparison.

Strengthening trust. Sincerity contributes to the openness of the teenager, if it does not turn into a transfer of your own problems.

At the same time, it is important not to overload the child with your own emotions. It is enough to say: “It is a little difficult for me right now, but I am coping, and I know that we can overcome everything.” This will show strength without shifting the responsibility onto the child.